Listen, listen, listen...

I have so much to say, but I just keep deleting it.

I'm starting to feel like expressing myself is less worth my time than previously imagined. And it's definitely not worth the stress, sadness, or vulnerability.

This time I'm keeping quiet, because it's just not worth it. All of these things, people, and places don't seem to have the same lustre they once did.

For the most part, you can all go fuck yourselves. And unfortunately, unlike a post on xanga back in it's hey day, none of this is really meant for you four.

A fitting end to an epic of time wasted.

Idle

I wanted to wrap this post in riddles and rhymes, but I can't bring myself to do it. I'm way too tired tonight.

I'm on academic probation for my 1.8 gpa. I feel very, very stupid. I have to attend Success Planning sessions. It's fucking embarrassing. At least I learned from this.

Friends. Old. New. What can you say that hasn't been said? I love some of my friends with all of my heart. I feel that in 5 years I could still share a great conversation or laugh with them. In accordance, I feel like I will still be on a talking basis with them. I'm always open to new friends and situations, but everyone seems to think that means you have to delete all your old friends and memories. It doesn't. There is room for everyone that you want there to be room for. The sooner you learn that, the sooner you can deal with the ever-changing situation that life presents.

I'm excited about New Year's resolutions and the person I have become/becoming. There is still stuff that needs working on, but I think I've come a long way already. I never want to stop caring. I always want to improve and learn. I always want to be there.

I often think about people who have never loved. I feel like those people are missing out. Conversely, I feel like people who love and lose miss out because they know how amazing it is to have someone. So I pose this query to you: is it better to have loved and lost or never to have loved at all?

I write.
I wrap myself up.
I self-medicate.
I let her calls ring.
I think too much.
I worry.
I remember.
I play.
I fake it.
I laugh.
And when it comes down to it, I'd want those times back, just so I could do it all over again.

808's and Heartbreak

We fell apart.
We picked ourselves back up.
Divided, we fell once more.
We rose again.
Tired, irritated, and scattered, we were broken.
Is there enough young energy and charisma to carry this revolution through the third leg of this journey?

Christmas is two days away and I'm broke, without presents, and I have a long way to go on finishing our movie. It really doesn't feel like the holidays to me. We even baked cookies for like 6 hours yesterday and I just wasn't feeling it...maybe when I go over to my grandma's tomorrow night it will finally kick in.

I can't seem to figure out what I'm doing wrong, but it must be something. I've been doing very well with scheduling plans thus far, but it's only been two or three days. I realize I can't please everyone, yet I still really want to. It really doesn't matter though, because someone walks away angry. And after you're down and out, someone new comes into your life and wants to make tracks. Or an old friend reappears. It's comforting in these times. It's also nice to get 8 hours of sleep. And I'm talking normal style, midnight to 8am.

I guess what I'm trying to say is: life is hectic, stressful, and you will definitely never completely win...but there's a lot of good that can come from it and a lot of fun to be had. Look for it everywhere and seize opportunities. That's my third resolution. My fourth is that I want to keep growing and learning as a person.

Time in Reverse

I figured out my second New Year's resolution yesterday; it's kind of a joint resolution, or even multiple resolutions in one. Don't bail on the plans you make, don't overbook plans and keep a schedule (on paper) so you remember those plans, try to be prompt and give accurate time estimations. I think those are great resolutions for me because lately I've kind of been a shitty friend in terms of flaking on plans or sleeping through them. But I realized how douche-worthy that was and am in the process of correcting it.

I've been hanging out with lots of old friends this week and it has been awesome to catch up. With some people you have such a strong connection that things just feel so natural all the time. You can go away for a couple years, come back, and have things be the same. It's pretty cool to make lasting bonds like that in your lifetime and I'm happy I have.

This Christmas is going to be probably the best ever. Every Christmas for my entire life my family has been full of drunks who cause Christmas drama and make people cry. It was awful. But now, after all this time, my step-dad, uncle, and grandpa are all sober. Not only that but my cousin is finally home for a Christmas after leaving the Marines, and my oldest cousin moved back home from Alabama about 2 years ago. Basically, it will mark the first time we will have everyone here for the holidays sober. It just makes me happy. I can't wait.

That's ancient history...

About a week ago I drove past one of my ex girlfriends house. We ended things on good terms and I thought it would be cool to stop by and say hello one day, but I know I never would. A couple of days later I was going through a box of Christmas ornaments and I happened to stumble upon a holiday-themed picture frame with a picture of me and my then girlfriend Sam. I think it's funny how things happen, seemingly random, but at the same time they are too coincidental to ignore. So today I wrote her a Christmas card asking her how she's been and how her family is. I also included the picture. It would be neat to catch up and see how things have changed in a 4 year span.

I figured out my first New Years resolution tonight: Try not to let things in people's past affect how your future relationship with them is. I think this is going to be a tough one for me. I've always been one to rehash the past or dwell too much on things that have happened. This year, and hopefully for many years to come, I won't let that bother me and my attempts to form better relationships with family, friends, and women.

This past week I've been taking my vitamins, working out, and playing basketball. I've been in a slightly better mood aside from yesterday's fiasco. And although I haven't done a whole lot since break started, I feel like the change in demeanor and environment has been great.

I won't spare you.

I am in a piss poor mood today. Maybe it's because it's extremely cold. Maybe it's because my car tire won't fucking inflate. Maybe it's because my cousin said, "I'll be back in a bit" at midnight last night and didn't come home until noon today. All I know is that I will snap off on the next person who throws shit my way. Everyone seems to work your last nerve when you're angry and restless. All I want to do is get in my car, blast my music, and drive--but I can't even do that.

I thought I had this whole game figured out, but there's always a situation you don't plan for. I don't think I will ever have people figured out. Especially women. I almost want to go into genetics to find out if there's something on the Barr body chromosome that mutates into something horrible as little girls grow up.

It's typical.
But not at all what I expect.

American Boy

Home.

You fall back into the rat race. Or do you? Things seem continually changing. Every time I visit it's different, or so it seems. For better or worse, this is where I rest my head at night. If I could change it, I wouldn't. These places and people, situations and circumstances have made me the man I am today.

Love.

It's a tricky thing. I don't like to speak openly about it. I don't know if many do. It's pretty funny--most people will run the table with talks about crushes or infatuation, but no one likes to talk about the intricacies of love. Or heartbreak. Save it for a mixed drink or a therapist I guess. Until then write cryptic phrases and avoid eye contact.

The Usual Suspects.

Who are we anymore? Divided we fall...didn't anyone ever hear of that? When the numbers are small, I bet we'll all wish we had this time back. I'm trying to do right and grasp to these straws that continue to fall from my hands. It only works if the inboxes are full from both sides. Maybe you have to cut and run. I hate to think that.

My Type.

Certainly not, but I really enjoy it. Maybe it's a change of pace, a breath of fresh air and all that. Whatever it is, it's definitely welcomed. Marks the first weeks I've had time to myself and haven't consumed myself with thought and memory. Welcome, stay as long as you want.

Playoffs.

Dear God, I hope the Vikings can pull this off. I haven't enjoyed football in January in so damn long.

Writing.

I've got so many little snippets that show charisma and vibrant flare, but I have a hard time finishing them. Maybe because I'm not pressed for a deadline, or I get excited about another budding idea too fast. Who knows, but maybe we'll see these new ideas get developed in the near future.

Can we get away this weekend? Take me somewhere new. I want to see your hometown, show me something true.

Stop This Train

I'm about 20 long hours from being at home in bed. I'm so ready to be home. I feel like I've been in a funk lately. Ice cream didn't fix it, writing didn't fix it, music didn't fix it. I think this is one I need to solve with a home cooked meal and a nice, long drive. I need to air my thoughts, but I feel like these are too private to even share with myself. They're the type of grievances you just think about in your head because you're worried they might materialize right before your eyes if they escape your mouth.

I've got some big plans for break and a lot of people to see. I'm pretty excited for that. Life brings you the most interesting set of circumstances sometimes. And sometimes, it just happens to work out perfectly.

Every time I write a blog, I see the labels part at the bottom "e.g. scooters, vacation, fall" and I think to myself, who's writing about scooters? I wish I could meet them. I wish my life was carefree enough to devote hours of thought to scooters. Where I'd want to go on scooters, what kind of tricks I'd do, what color it would be. Instead I've got finals studying and cold weather...boy, what I would give to be riding my scooter down in Orlando right now.

I think as soon as I put that test face down on Dr. Cedeno's desk I will instantly feel better. I may even let out a yip of satisfaction. Satisfaction or completion, because I'm not really sure if I'm satisfied with this semester's performance. Anywho, I've got big plans for the next 4 months. I will keep you tuned in bloggers.

The Heart of Life

I wish I had some sort of musical talent. I believe that would be a fun life to lead. Exciting and new everyday, with people who feel some deep connection with what you've done.

I realized that I really want to get back into sports. They were always a huge part of my life and now I feel like that is dwindling. I don't even care what sport it is, I just want to be active. Everyone seems like they're growing up so fast; they don't have the time or the passion to run around and get sweaty or dirty. That isn't necessarily a bad thing, I just feel like I'm in a field by myself holding a baseball glove, a football, and a frisbee, waiting for something to happen. But, we did get a couple football games going over break and I had an incredible time. We also had a LAN, and we just played video games for hours. It really felt like we were all in touch with our childhood that day. I miss that sometimes, but I think some of the tradeoffs are worth it.

Lately my sleep schedule has been vampiric. You pull an all-nighter one night and your entire schedule is fucked from there on out. This is especially inconvenient for finals week; and trying to study at 4am while your roommate is alseep is a challenge. However, I do some of my best writing at these hours. Something about solitude, a couple episodes of Scrubs, and John Mayer really gets my mind moving in all kinds of directions. I can't wait to start writing or producing or editting...well, anything really. It's so exciting and it's really the only career I could see myself giving my all everyday for the rest of my life. That kind of enthusiasm alone has me excited to see what I can do. I really want a video camera for Christmas/my birthday. I can't even imagine all the possibilities...

Anyways, if you just want to skip down here, the main point of this post is I love: sports, video games, and writing. I wish: I was a musician; I could sleep like a normal person. I want: a videocamera.

I Don't Trust Myself (With Loving You)

I found out when you really put your mind to something, you can get it done incredibly fast. I think procrastination is about 50% laziness and 50% fear--at least for me. I find myself being lazy and I never want to embark in homework that will take over 10 minutes to do. More recently, I've realized it's partially because I'm afraid I won't know all the answers. And for some reason, that really scares me. It's pretty irrational but that's who I am. Anyways, I found out I really do love Italian and foreign languages in general. In conjunction, I know quite a bit more than I expected. I usually do pretty well when I try and apply myself. I think it goes without saying most times, but I doubt myself.

I have a final in 5 and half hours. I am ready. However, Tuesday may be another story. I can't wait for a new bill next semester. I think I'm ready to give it my all. Also, I finally got into a mass communications class and that really made my day/week/month.

I spend about 20 minutes a day on Scrubs trivia via Facebook. I know almost everything they ask. I can't tell if that's sad or amazing. But I really do love Scrubs. I am going to be very sad when it ends this year. I've never felt such a connection with a tv show before. Not to mention, it's absolutely hilarious.

Books. They're on my Christmas list for the first time since Harry Potter 1-4. I'm excited to be involved with literature again.

I think I'm going on a cruise over spring break. Mayercraft. Me, John Mayer (plus Guster), and the high seas. We're going to be stopping in Cabo San Lucas. I am very excited to relax on the beaches of Mexico.

I've felt a real connection with people lately. Not even people I know, just people as a whole. It's a pretty amazing feeling. I feel like I know what's going on with the entire world. It's like a 6th sense. I don't know, it's somewhat inexplicalbe. I probably sound like a mad man.

I should get some rest for this final.

In Repair

I've always appreciated the genuine thoughts and ideas that come from a journal and/or blog. I also respect people's generosity and ability to share. I guess that's why I'm continually drawn back to blogs. Anyways, I'm here now.

For weeks now I've been wishing to go back home and take a break. I guarantee that after a few weeks back home, I will be wishing I was back at school. Life is funny that way. There are so many trade offs at each respective home. I think I just need a change of pace. I need some excitement, or even just a curve ball...even if it's something bad.

I'm stuck listening to Continuum. I can't tell if I listen because I'm melancholy, or if John Mayer makes me that way. Either way, the CD is amazing. The man is so incredibly talented.

I wish I had more to say for this inaugural post, but I think I've completely exhausted my brain today with trivial questions or downright dumb hypothetical situations.
Goodnight.